Empires

I grabbed my backpack, shut the car door behind me, and waved back at Dad. Then I fell into a pack of other freshmen as we all approached the new shiny high school. Safety in numbers. Middle school hadn’t been great and I figured high school wouldn’t be much better. My plan was to keep my head down, speak when spoken to, and do my best to draw as little attention as possible.

It helped that I was a pretty forgettable kid overall. I’d mostly gotten over my middle-school chub, but the acne was starting to set in now. And I usually wore a hat because my hair started to mushroom out if it hadn’t been cut in a couple of weeks.

In my first class, the only open seat was next to some kid who flapped his hands when nobody was looking. I was intrigued. I spent the class cutting my eyes quickly at the kid, trying to catch him in a flap. The kid was quicker, though. Every time I glanced over at him his hands were in his lap.

At lunchtime, I had made it almost to the dessert before some senior cut in front of me and grabbed the last slice of chocolate cake. “You don’t deserve it, freshman,” he snorted. A girl behind me giggled and said, “Tell him, Shep.”

I knew my face was getting red. I ducked, hunched my shoulders, and searched for an empty table. Pretty much all of them were full except one where the arm-flap kid was sitting. Two other people were there too, a guy and a girl. The girl was stunning, I realized suddenly.

I moved awkwardly over to the table and cleared my throat. “Um, is it cool if I sit here?” I pointed to an empty seat.

The girl nodded pleasantly. “Sure,” she said. She had a low, husky voice. It hurt me to hear her talk. I sat and looked at my lunch.

“You new here?” said a nasally, almost clown-like voice. The arm-flap kid was staring at me intently, breathing heavily through his nose.

I nodded. “Yep.” I waited for him to respond but he went back to shoveling food into his mouth.

“Linkus, where are your manners?” asked the girl. She shook her head. “I’m Alice. That’s Linkus.” She nodded her friend towards the arm-flap kid, then patted the back of the guy sitting beside her. “And this is my boyfriend Taylor.”

Taylor had the type of body every teen boy imagined when he looked in the mirror. Wide shoulders, bulging biceps, narrow waist. I bet they have crazy sex, I thought. Shit. Did I say that out loud? My face started to get red again. I hoped they didn’t notice.

“Hey, kid,” Taylor said absently, then went back to his food. I didn’t blame him for it. They were all a couple years older than me and obviously much cooler, at least Taylor and Alice. Nobody said much to me the rest of the meal, but I didn’t care. Taylor and Linkus talked about a new video game that was about to come out, and Alice played games on her phone. A couple times I realized suddenly I was staring at her and panicked, jerking my head away and gazing intently at the ceiling or the windows. Shit.

When I got home I imagined Alice with no clothes on and began. I didn’t want to but I couldn’t help it.

The rest of the week I sat with them for lunch every day. I wouldn’t say we became friends, but they didn’t tell me to leave. I figured that was enough. Alice make small talk with me every once in a while. I learned that they were all juniors and that Taylor was a star on the football team. I learned she and Taylor had been together for four months and that Taylor and Linkus had known each other since they were kids.

She never said this but I thought that she got tired of Linkus being around. I couldn’t blame her. Linkus had a way of cocking his head and fixing his eyes on you like a bird does, breathing heavily through his nose all the while. Then he’d quickly touch his nose or twist his ear like it was supposed to mean something and go back to whatever he was doing. Nobody messed with Linkus while Taylor was around but I heard a few kids call him a retard behind his back. I don’t know if he heard.

On Friday, I was halfway over to return my lunch tray when I heard heavy breathing behind me. I turned around and Linkus was right behind me. A little too close. I took a step back and said, “What’s up, Linkus?”

He fixed his beady eyes on me for a few seconds before he spoke. “You keep things up, you’re gonna end up with a black eye, boy.”

I was confused and a little scared. “What do you mean?” I tried to keep my voice calm. “I’m a good kid.”

He was still staring at me. Then, he put his hands around his eyes like binoculars and whispered, “You’re too good.” Then he abruptly swung his body around and quickstepped out of the cafeteria.

I hoped people weren’t staring at me. I kept my head down and left the cafeteria as quietly as I could. When I got home I pondered what Linkus had said. Could he read my mind somehow? Had he seen me looking down Alice’s shirt? I was glad the weekend was ahead of me. I went on a long run, then found a Hot Pocket and some Ore-Ida French fries and warmed them up for dinner.

We didn’t really do family dinners anymore, not since Mom had started spending so much time with her work friends and Dad paced around the home office for hours with his hands clasped behind his back, repeating mantras. Dad was a motivational speaker and self-help guru. I think he was having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that he couldn’t get Mom to spend time with him or talk to him anymore. I figured they would be divorced by the time I graduated.

I wasted a couple hours on the computer, then turned on Netflix. I found a movie called The Perks of Being a Wallflower that came out when I was 6 and clicked on the description. Some artsy high-school movie, couldn’t hurt. I clicked it on.

For the next two hours I was transfixed in ways I couldn’t describe. I had wild thoughts of Taylor, Alice, Linkus, and I forming a clique with strange and joyful rituals. I wanted to punch through a herd of bullies when Taylor wasn’t strong enough. I yearned to feel Alice’s lips on mine.

After the movie ended I laid on my back and stared at the ceiling. I was infinite. Worlds bloomed and reformed in my mind. Dad had come to the kitchen for a snack and saw me. He asked “Are you OK?” absently.

I said, “I understand now why you spend so much time on every phrase and pause in your speeches, Dad. And I love you for it. You command empires too, don’t you?”

Dad shook his head. “Um, maybe? Not sure what you mean, son.”

I raised my head off the carpet. “Never let anyone tell you that you don’t.”

To me it seemed that Dad stood a little straighter. He paused and then said, “Thank you, son,” and then walked slowly back to the office.

Next thing I knew I was walking through the backyard into the wooded area past the fence. It must be past midnight by now. Before long the trees started to clear and I began to hear bass-thumping music. I kept walking towards the party and soon started hearing another noise, a dull, persistent thump. Within 10 steps, the noise revealed itself as a burly kid punching a tree. Thunk, thunk. In the moonlight I could see blood dripping off his knuckles and tears dripping off his cheeks.

It was Rog, another football kid. He had come by our table a couple times to talk with Taylor. In my new-found glory I knew why he was out here, why he was crying. I made my voice sweet and supple like Dad’s when he was giving one of his speeches. His words carried people along.

“You won’t work off your sins that way, Rog, but it’s a good place to start.” He jumped; I guess he hadn’t heard me coming. But I knew he needed time so I kept walking. I heard more thunks behind me for a while but then they stopped.

The party was still in full swing. Taylor, Alice, and Linkus were by the pool like I knew they would be. Linkus’ arms were flapping harder than I had seen before, and Taylor seemed worried. Alice was off to the site a bit with her arms crossed.

Alice saw me walking over and said, “Why are you here?” Not a friendly tone but I forgave her. I pushed my shoulders back and inhaled deeply. I needed all my strength for this. I knew I had the words to make Linkus stop flapping forever, to make Taylor go All-State. I ached at what my words might mean for Alice and I.

The full moon was a spotlight on me. I was encompassing and majestic. After three words I saw Linkus’ arms slow, then fall to his sides. I stood taller and thrust my arms to the sky.

Then his hands curled into fists.